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How to Make it Easier For Them
by Katharine Canfield
Moving
can be as challenging as it is exciting. Sometimes more
so. Moving is as hard for kids as it is for adults. They,
too, are leaving behind familiar places and important friends.
They, too, are starting over: seeking new friends and adjusting
to a new home, neighborhood, and school. But because they're
still learning how to socialize and how to effectively get
their needs met, children need caring adults to listen and
help them adjust to their new home, now more than ever.
If you're a parent contemplating a move, this article's for
you. By considering a move in three stages - before, during,
and after - and thinking about your children's needs during
each stage, you can make a big difference in how your kids
feel about the move and how they adjust afterwards.
> Before
the move: Preparing
> During
the move: Remembering What's Important
> After
the move: Getting Settled
BEFORE THE
MOVE:
Preparing
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Tell your
children about the move as soon as you can. The more time
they have to think about and prepare for the move, the
easier it will be for them. |
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Give your
children a chance to express their feelings, and try to
be honest about your own feelings. Most children will
feel some anger, sadness, or worry about the move. These
responses are natural, and kids who have a chance to express
them will work through their doubts more easily. Gently
tell your children about any sadness you may feel about
leaving or uncertainty about a new home, job, or city.
This will reassure them that they aren't alone in having
worries or concerns. |
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Help older
children prepare a list of phone numbers and addresses
of close friends, relatives, and other important people
in their lives. Knowing they can stay in touch with these
people is an important part of a successful move. |
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If your
kids are old enough, let them participate in decision
making. Have the kids keep a notebook of potential new
homes with the positives and the negatives listed. |
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If you are able to, before you move take your children
to your new home and explore the new neighborhood and
town or city together. If this isn't possible, take
pictures of your new home, the schools your kids will
attend, a nearby park, and anything else that would
be interesting to them.
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Make a
scrapbook containing pictures of your pre-move home, friends,
and other mementos of your life together. |
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Call the principal of your children's schools, and
try to set up a meeting with their teachers or, if they're
in junior high or high school, guidance counselor. The
new school may even be able to give you names of students
in your child's class who live near your new home. If
so, you may want to drop by to meet them and their families
before you move in.
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Try to
line up some activities in which your child can participate
after the move: a sports team, music lessons, art classes,
a scouting troop. Not only will activities like these
keep your children involved; they'll also help them to
feel like part of a group - an important aspect of settling
in. Try to sign up for more than one activity in case
one falls through or doesn't go well. |
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If you
can, try to meet families in your new neighborhood before
you move. Being familiar with people when you move in
will help your children feel more at home. |
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To Top
DURING THE
MOVE:
Remembering What's Important
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Throughout
the move, stay as upbeat and calm as you can; a good plan
makes this possible. Your own mood will impact other family
members, especially babies, who are particularly sensitive
to their mother's feelings. With older children, it's
important to be honest about some of the uncertainties
you have, but also to be generally optimistic about the
move and the positive ways it will affect the family. |
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Involve
your kids in the packing. Older kids can put their own
belongings in boxes, and kids of all ages will enjoy decorating
the boxes containing their things. Doing so will also
make finding your children's things easier once you're
at the new house! |
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Try to
stick to your routines. Have meals at the same times as
always. If your kids nap, encourage them to lie down at
the usual time. Keep to the normal bedtimes. |
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Don't
pack things that your children treasure. Take special
blankets, beloved stuffed animals, favorite books, and
other prized items in a separate bag or box that you can
bring with you in the car or on the plane when you go
to your new home. |
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Help your children say good bye to the important people
in their lives. For their friends, a pizza or make-your-own
sundae party is a fun way to celebrate the friendship.
An album or poster with photos of good times together
will add to the celebration. If your children are comfortable,
encourage hugs at the end of the party. With neighbors
or other special adults, you may want to set up a time
to stop by and say good bye as a family.
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Expect the unexpected: few moves go smoothly, anticipate
trouble (predict it!) and have a positive, "can do" attitude.
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Back To Top
AFTER THE
MOVE:
Getting Settled
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Don't spend
too much time unpacking - at least not right away! Sure,
the essentials are important to unload and you want the
house to feel settled. But wait on the less important
stuff. In the first few days, take time to enjoy your
new home with your family. Take walks. Check out local
restaurants and take-out spots. Introduce yourselves to
your new neighbors. Spend time at the park. |
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Be on
the lookout for neighborhood kids, and help introduce
your children to them. If it's comfortable for you and
your children, invite some of the neighborhood kids over
for pizza or a video. |
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Let your
children have some input in planning on the new house,
especially in choosing things to buy for their rooms.
Even if you don't follow through on their ideas, it's
important to listen to what they think. Be tactful if
you choose another option, and let some decisions be entirely
up to them - for example, the placement of their bed or
the color of the rug or paint in their bedroom. |
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Get involved:
church groups, synagogues, YMCA and activity clubs, etc.
enable socializing. If a couple of months have gone by
and your child seems unusually troubled, ask a doctor,
guidance counselor, or principal if you need a referral.
Signs that your child may need help: unusual academic
difficulty; ongoing irritability; trouble with peers;
changes in sleep or eating habits; a generally despondent
mood. Give them time, this behavior can last for 4-5 months
for teens. |
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Above all, listen. Try to be there when your kids get
home after the first day at their new schools, even
if it means having to leave work early that day. Regularly
ask how things are going, and take time to listen. Sometimes
kids have a hard time opening up; spending relaxed time
together may help them to bring up whatever is on their
minds.
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For
children and adults, it takes time to feel at home. With
your understanding and patience, your children will be
reassured that, after a while, things will get easier;
everything won't feel so new; and that home is, after
all, wherever the family is. |
For more information on moving with children and moving in
general, see the book Smart Moves:
Your Guide through the Emotional Maze of Relocation
by Nadia Jensen, Audrey McCollum, and Stuart Copans. Smith
& Krauss. To order a copy for $16.95, call 1-800-895-4331.
The ISBN is 1575250861.
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